I am at home dialyzing. It's 8:37 and I have about 20 mins left. I have reached my fluid goal.

I went to the Center Thursday. Boy, I tell ya, I almost cried. I almost cried because those people looked so sad to me. I know that they are not, but that's the way they looked to me. Or, at least that's the way I felt when I was there. Sad. I didn't like it. But I really like this.

Right now I am sitting in the middle of this bed under a comforter. I am listening to Sade on the smooth Jazz station. My machine is humming along. It's Saturday morning. The lighting here is soft. The colors of my room are condusive to who I am. My pic of Audrey Hepburn is making me happy. I don't have to listen to or try to be entertained by anybody that I don't want to. My DH just sat on the sat on the bed for a short conversation. It's all good.

I'm doing what I am supposed to. I am wearing gloves. I am careful to make sure that I am not touching anything. I am general cleaning once I am finished. I am sure to keep things sterile. I have made "packs" ahead of time to save time. I am staying on the whole time(which passes fast). I fill my syringes with saline even though I have never had any need for them. I am disposing of my sharps properly. I am even making sure that I double bag the cartridges so that the garbage men won't be scared.

Well, it's time for me to come off the machine now. Time really flew by this morning. My first Saturday morning. Thank you Lord, for this privledge. It's 0852.

Day 3 on my own. Everything went fine today. No problems. I got on the machine at 955 and off at 1231. Tomorrow my pak will end. I'll have to make a new one today. I don't know if I will make it early or late.

I won't get on the machine until late though. I have to go to the center to sign some papers. I wish this could have waited until next week. But once it's over, it's over.

Friday, the last day of training for NxStage. Wow! This started out as something that I wouldn't even consider. I wish I could remember the day that I decided that I would even consider doing home hemo, but I can't. I do remember, though, thinking that I would never take that big machine home because I felt like it would be too much for Denz.

4 MORE DAYS OF TRAINING!!!!!!!!!

I have the pureflow at home. DH did a great job of running the wires through the attic and then down behind the sink. (That made me very happy). For those of you who don't know, I cried when they told me that it wouldn't be a good idea to connect and disconnect my machine each time I needed to use it. I thought that I could put the machine in the bathroom when I was making a batch and then disconnect it when I was done. For the drain part of it I just figured that I could run the drain line to the bathroom while I was on the machine and then wrap it up when I was done. Actually, I had seen a pic online that showed someone dialyzing with the drain line in a distilled water bottle. Gross, I know, but at least it would have been temporary and removable.
So, when I realized that I needed to have this thing hooked up to a water source most of the time, I was disappointed. But my Dh stepped up and took care of it for me. What he did was to run the wires from the bedroom thru the wall and into the attic. Once he got the wiring in the attic, he dropped it down into the wall behind the sink and then drilled a hole behind the sink. He had a little trouble with the tubing that was already on the sink. He had to replace the copper tubing because it was leaking. But other than that, it all seemed to go the way he wanted it to.

I took this as an oppurtunity to tell him that I thought that he was a smart guy with good ideas. I told him that because I started crying when the thing started leaking. I quickly got it together when he took us out to eat at Red Lobster.

Anywhoo, training is going. This is my fourth week. It's a lot to learn. Especially when you are trying to learn and sleep at the same time. What I probaly should have done is take a short vacation, but I didn't. I'm getting through it though. I still think I am a good student, but not as good as I would have liked to be. I am very tired these last two weeks. Mostly because I was not getting a lot of sleep last week, 2 hours at the most.

I am glad however that I will be finished next week. Another person that is training started before me, but won't be able to go home for another two weeks because he can't stick himself. Thanks to all those people at IHD and HDC for encouraging everybody to learn to self cannulate as early as possible. Because of that advice I began cannulating myself as soon as my fistula was mature. And because of that, I am ready to go home.

I remember those days back in-center when I was so adamant about needing to stick myself. I didn't even understand it sometimes, but I knew that it was something that I must do. I knew that in the long run, it would be to my advantage if I didn't give in and start letting "them" stick me. I also knew that I couldn't worry about what they thought of me.

During those days when my venous bh would give me such a hard time, I had to keep telling myself that it was going to get greater later. I didn't think I would ever get that one site to do right, but sure enough, with some determination, I kept trying. And before you know it, I was consistently getting a good stick on that one too.

I was supposed to have gotten my ancillary supplies today. That's syringes, gauze, tape etc....
I want to say that I don't know how I feel about it, but the truth is that I know exactly how I feel about it.

I'm officially under 100 kg. now. When I started dialysis Iwas 116 kg.

Well, week one of training is over. What are my thoughts? I love my machine!!!! I feel free already (even though I have to go 6 days). The set up and take down don't seem to be hard. I'm glad I don't have to go to the center!!!!! My lab is already better. They have told me to go back to eating potatoes. Yay Nxstage and more dialysis!!!!!!!

I realize now that 6 days a week won't be easy. But once I finish with tx each day it will be over. And if I can continue to feel strong enough to walk down 3 flights of stairs like I did today...I mean I just walked down 3 flights of stairs without thinking about it first. I just looked at the stairs and the next thing I know, I'm walking down them. Without even being scared that I will get half way through and get stuck.

I like going to training (for now). I like that Prat is good with my training daughter. I love the people that are over this center. If I didn't feel homage to Katy, I would transfer. I already feel normal and stronger. To tell the truth it's scaring me. I'm afraid that it's all going to go to the dogs. I once read about this guy who claimed that he was possibly "allergic" to nxstage and now that is stuck in my mind.

I must say that I am havingmore inflammation responses since I have been in training. now, I take Benadryl before I go to training. But that is because P made it clear to me why Dr. P suggested that I take the Benadryl. She said that he was probaly trying to "TREAT THE CAUSE OF THE INFLAMMATION" which is probaly an allergic response to my blood in the tubes.