I am sitting here on my machine right now. I wasn't motivated for the last few weeks. I don't know why. Nothing I could do but get motivated. Dialysis ain't going nowhere. This is my life. I don't see any change in the near or far future. I don't want to get on the transplant list. I am quite comfortable just doing Nxstage efor right now. I was thinking about it, but if I change my mind, I can get on later, but for right now, this is my life.

But I guess that don't mean that I have to be exicited or motivated all the time. I guess that ain't realistic. I guess I shouldn't be up on myself about that anymore. Nobody is pumped up motivated all the time about any one thing. I just have to do the best I can do when I can. If I feel up then, go with it. But when I'm down, I have to work through it. Just like I've been doing all my life.

When I think about it too much, I get in trouble. I think that's it's a long process, but in reality, it's nothing. The longest part is the se t up of the supplies and there's no getting around that. It has to be done. Drawing up the epo and the heparin, pulling the scabs, snappin and tapping. It's all part of the game.

I didn't want to get on the machine again today. I don't know what it is about Monday's all of a sudden. But I did get on though. It wasn't hard once i started working on it. It's just getting my head together to go ahead and get it done.

I guess I was just enjoying laying around in my bed. Sometimes I just don't want to think about it. Sometimes I just don't want to get started.

I know that it is to save my life. I know that it gives me a better quality of life. I know that I do it so that I can stay here with my kids a little longer.

Deep down inside it does not really bother me too much. Once I'm on it, I;m on it. Nothing to it. It doesn't even take me as long to get on as it used to. So, now what is the problem?


I think I think about it too much all of a sudden. I didn't used to think about it. I would just come in and get on it. But once I started thinkin g about it, things started to change.

I guess another thing could be that I don't have a schedule down yet for this school year. I am so used to having to take D to school and then come home and get on the machine that I this is very foreign to me. I guess another things is that SINCE I have more time, I am ABLE to do it a little different. It's not bad that I can actually go home and g0 to sleep for an hour or two before I get on the machine and still have time to get a treatment in and be off the machine before anybody comes home.

Went to the meeting on Friday 8/29/08. I met Annabelle. she was great. I liked her from our conversation on the phone the day before. She was easy to talk to. I talked a lot. I made sure I mentioned that I wasn't normally that talkative. I have already received two advantages already. 1-I can now email my daily reports to her. 2-she orders longer tubing especially for one of her patients and she gave me a few to see if I like them. I do because it keeps me from having to pull the tubing so far to be comfortable. 3-she orders the needles witht he picks on them. Although Ilike the ones with the picks Ilike the length of the others more.