Friday, June 22, 2007

Thrs- Went to tx and put myself on. Well, I cannulated myself. First the arterial. That buttonhole is coming along well. I don't like the angle I went in though. I know that it was a different angle than I used Tues. For some reason I felt nervous. I guess it was because I am still at the mercy of someone else and I just quite frankly don't like it. I had to wait on A to finish sticking another patient. I waited an additional 30 minutes for that. I didn't mind waiting the 30 minutes but what I got for my time wasn't worth it.

Let me say that I don't want these people to do anything but teach me how to get myself on the machine. I only want them to teach me because the sooner, I learn this, the sooner I can come home and start my treatment. That is all that I want from them. My thinking is that if we will go ahead and take the extra time now to get me trained, then the sooner this will be over soon. So, what I call myself doing is trying to get in as much at each session as I can. I feel that if they take 6 sessions and really teach me everything that I need to know, t hat would be better than teaching me a little bit over twenty sessions. But I don't think anybody else sees it that way.

Anywhoo, I also started my venous buttonhole on Thrs. too. I like the placement of it also. It's sore today. It also has a little "heparin" bruise on it.

I didn't learn anything about taking myself down on Thrs. The girls just came over there and started unclamping everything so I didn't learn anything about the order you would do anything in. I was upset about that because I was willing to wait on my "trainer", but he told her to go ahead and "teach me". That didn't happen, but this is only temporary. That is why I am trying so hard to learn as much as I can as soon as I can. I don't like being at everybody else's mercy.

Tomorrow, my plan is to get there early prob about 0615 so I can get off the machine earlier. I am going to take my time and forget about everybody else. I am just going to concentrate on making sure that I get the angle right.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

S-06-16-07

Went to the DL today. Got my arm hooked up with no problem. Ch is the nurse and I tell him that I could easily use the hole from T to start a real good buttonhole. He says "unfortunately we don't do buttonholes here". *huh?* "Well, yes we are going to do buttonholes here, as a matter of fact, the "buttonhole" lady was here Thurs." He claims he didn't know since he was off for 2 weeks. I say, well they (everybody else) has been knowing since March or April about me starting buttonholes. This upsets me on so many levels because I feel like the people who are taking care of me should know something that I am starting buttonholes.

Anywhoo, I guess he got mad and decided that I wanted for him to stick me in the same hole from Thurs. since I mentioned buttonholes. Now this upsets me too because if he had even read just one article about buttonholes, he would know that you must remove the scabs before you insert the needles. He didn't do that. The biggest problem with this is that I didn't realize that he had stuck the same hole until I got home after my treatment. I was so hurt. To think that I am trusting my life to people who really don't have a clue about simple infection control procedures really bothers me.

Now, when I go in on Monday I am going to have to make sure that the person who sticks me understands that they should not stick me in the same place without removing the scabs.

Anyway, I don't like having to "fight" like this. I feel like these people could just get on the computer one or two times and learn just as much about buttonholes as I have. I guess all that I can do now is be thankful for the handful of people who are taking the time to read information and learn about the new procedures that are available to DL patients.

Things like this get me really upset me and that is not good for me. My longevity will depend on me being able to handle things like this that come my way.

I was thinking about something today. Kidney failure happened to me. I did not ask to have to go to a clinic every other day for the rest of my life. But I have to. So, when I am not happy about having to go there is nothing wrong with that. It is not a character flaw. It is probaly a realist response to something so terrible. I mean most people with kidney failure have had years to prepare for this. I did not. One day I go to the DR. and the next day I am hooked up to a machine. Not every 38 year old girls dream. But considering what happened to me, I think I am doing pretty good.

So, I'll keep advocating for me. I'll keep advocating for my kids and my husband. They need me, I need me. I need to stay here and I need to stay healthy. Go on and cry. It will make you stronger.

Friday 07/15/07

Nothing much to say today. My thrill feels good. I felt great today. I went straight home after dropping D off at school. I guess I got home at about 0740 or so. I ate a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and watched the Jeffersons' and then Spin City until I went to sleep. Dh called and woke me at around 0800 but didn't talk too long. At around 3pm I woke up again and called the IRS. By calling them I realized that I am not receiving my mail. Went and took care of that. I stayed out until about 730pm. Came to work.


I read a great blog of a lady who has been on dialysis for the last 3 years. She gave a daily account of life on the DL(dialyzer). The only thing I don't like about her blog is that she has just received her transplant. But I do like that she spoke at length about her decision to wait on a transplant.

Which brings me to my feelings on a transplant. Although I know that the sooner I get a transplant, the better it will be for me, I am not intrested in hurrying up and getting one. Why? Because I don't think that getting a transplant is going to be the final answer to this kidney problem. I actually think that getting a transplant will cause more problems than I have now. I know that I really don't like the thought of having to take so much medication for the rest of my life. But I can honestly say that I don't know a lot about transplants either.

Right now I am just tryng to learn as much as I can about dialysis right now.