I am sitting here on my machine right now. I wasn't motivated for the last few weeks. I don't know why. Nothing I could do but get motivated. Dialysis ain't going nowhere. This is my life. I don't see any change in the near or far future. I don't want to get on the transplant list. I am quite comfortable just doing Nxstage efor right now. I was thinking about it, but if I change my mind, I can get on later, but for right now, this is my life.

But I guess that don't mean that I have to be exicited or motivated all the time. I guess that ain't realistic. I guess I shouldn't be up on myself about that anymore. Nobody is pumped up motivated all the time about any one thing. I just have to do the best I can do when I can. If I feel up then, go with it. But when I'm down, I have to work through it. Just like I've been doing all my life.

When I think about it too much, I get in trouble. I think that's it's a long process, but in reality, it's nothing. The longest part is the se t up of the supplies and there's no getting around that. It has to be done. Drawing up the epo and the heparin, pulling the scabs, snappin and tapping. It's all part of the game.